too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
