i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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