You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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