i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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