My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I said "one day" and that day is not today
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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