hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
