You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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