Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
