Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
