I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
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