Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Holy shit dude........stairs
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