Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
