Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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