She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
it was like eating out sand paper
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
