I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
