so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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