I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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