chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
