I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So vagazzling was a success
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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