Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
