good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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