I hate all girls vehemently.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
