Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
