how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
