You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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