My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
