In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
