The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize