i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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