I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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