So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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