Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
