Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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