The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
