I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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