I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
time to smoke my breakfast
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
