dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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