Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You ruined the universe
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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