I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
