We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
