All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
