If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
