mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
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He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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