you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
