you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We are all done wearing pants today
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
