she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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