I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
