so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
