He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
