I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
