I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
