just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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