help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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