I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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