I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
